Not getting it quite right

I started this page a couple of weeks ago, and made a couple of posts.

Then I accidentally deleted them whilst trying to navigate the accompanying app.

Just like in life, there’s no point in repeating history so I won’t remake them. Instead I’ll start again and see where it takes me.

Life can often be split up into chapters, neatly drawing lines on an imagnary time scale to divide up our own existance. As humans we tend to love this method of organisation, we’re drawn to this neatness. But life itself cannot always be so neat, and why should it? There is nothing neat about nature. Nature, the blood line of everything alive on this planet, can be described as many things, but never neat and organised. Chaotic, scary, unrelenting, dangerous, beautiful, painful, breathtaking, intelligent, exhilirating, but not organised and neat.

However somewhere down the line priorities shifted, and thus we quietly devide our existance up into “school days”, “uni days”, “when I was in a relationship with blah blah”. Using this method I have started a new chapter in my life; I left the company I have worked for for 10 years. I have made myself unemployed, with no new job to go to. I have my own place, with my also unemployed boyfriend, no savings, no other income. I also know that job was gnawing away at me, all the way to the bone. Bones can break. So one day I left, and one of the outcomes from these past couple of weeks was to make this site. Its use is undefined, much like my life. All our lives.

Chaotic, scary, unrelenting, dangerous, beautiful, painful, breathtaking, intelligent, exhilirating, but not organised and neat.

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Happiness VS Logic

No matter what can be said about me quitting my full time job, I did it at the best time of year – Summer. 

For the first time since the summer break between my first and second years of college, back in 2005, I can SEE summer. I can FEEL it, I can look out of my window and see the sunshine and go grab my suncream. I can walk through local parks and sit in pub beer gardens, instead of being in a windowless stockroom hoping beyond hope that the lovely weather last however many days until my next day off. Retail isn’t fond of allowing time off in summer, especially for those of us that are child free, and in my last company time off in July was flat out disallowed. I simply haven’t connected to summer in 11 years. 

Of course, the worries haven’t gone away. The “how the fuck am I gonna pay bills” siren goes off sporadically. The “why am I sat here watching the geese swim by when I should be trawling the job sites” buzzes about like an annoying wasp. But one thing I am realising more and more every day since quitting my job is I am human, and I deserve to feel.